BTG 2014, Week 1 Thursday Game

I just can’t quit you Gamblor.

SEA (-6) over gb, 47, seahawks (-250) packers (+210)
I actually think that the hawks are not going to be anywhere near as good as they were last year, but I won’t pick against them at home.

I hereby revoke Wilson's bi-racial status and deem him to be all white.

I hereby revoke Wilson’s bi-racial status and designate him to be all white.

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BTG 2013, Week 14 Picks

you know, it’s been about 2 weeks since i’ve even really given a thought about football.  i’m serious.  i didn’t watch a single of minute of football on thanksgiving.  i didn’t do my weekly fantasy football podcast.  i didn’t do picks.  and i sure as hell didn’t watch any of that crap houston/jacksonville game on thursday.  and i have to be completely honest with you, it was great.  it was like when you walk around your house naked when your roommates are out of town.  just a completely liberating and freeing experience.  as i have repeatedly said in this space, i have lost a lot of enthusiasm for football over the last four or five years.  this weekend has made it somewhat clear to me that it’s time to get out.  so i am announcing that after the 2013 football season, i am retiring from making NFL picks.  by my count, i’ve been doing this for about 10 years now, and really, it’s time to move on and take my fall weekends back.  i have way too many formalized commitments when it comes to the NFL and it’s definitely time for me to cut back.  we had a great run, but as the great don meredith would say, turn out the lights, the party’s over.  home team in caps, numbers from caesars.

kc (-2.5) over WAS, 44.5, pot (-160) kettle (+140)
hey it’s the native american caricature bowl!  make no mistake, we will look back some day and be embarrassed about how racist the nfl was in the same way we are embarrassed about how george washington and thomas jefferson were slave owners.  well at least we should be embarrassed.  hell i’m embarrassed now.

BAL (-6) over min, 41, ravens (-280) vikings (+240)
you know what’s embarrassing?  that the ravens have a chance to make the playoffs after starting out the season the way they did.

cle (+10) over NE, 47.5, browns (+400) patriots (-500)
i know that the patriots are better than average this year, but seriously, hasn’t the window closed for brady?  all of the advanced metrics tells us that he’s regressed over the last 2 years.  if it were me, i don’t see any good reason to keep playing and i do see a very good reason to not play (rhymes with chiselle).

NYJ (-3) over oak, 39, jets (-155) raiders (+135)
i think we can all agree that no one cares about this game.

CIN (-7) over ind, 43.5, bengals (-280) colts (+240)
man, what happened to the colts?  do they just plain suck now?  do their losing ways indicate that they no longer care if chuck pagano dies of cancer?

GB (-3) over atl, 45, packers (-170) falcons (+150)
the weather report says that temperature at kickoff is forecasted to be 17 with a wind chill of 6.  i know that packers fans love their team, but i cannot think of anything worse than having to sit or stand outside in that kind of weather for 3+ hours.  i mean i understand why we admire packers fans as a standard for what a good fan should be, but maybe they’re just really stupid?

det (+3) over PHI, 53.5, lions (+130) eagles (-150)
snow mixed with sleet/freezing rain is forecasted for this game.  isn’t that officially a wintry mix?

PIT (-3.5) over mia, 40.5, steelers (-185) dolphins (+165)
i used to really like mike tomlin, but he’s treating the public like their idiots on this one.  he totally tried to impede the ball carrier.  it’s preposterous to think that he wasn’t aware of what was happening.  saying that he didn’t only embarrasses him.

buf (+2.5) over TAM, argonauts (+120) bucs (-140)
i find it hilarious that everyone is “OH MY GOD, MAYBE TAMPA BAY IS GOOD AND GREG SCHIANO ISN’T A TOTAL DIPSHIT.”  i’ll concede that maybe mike glennon is a serviceable quarterback, but all that shit we heard about schiano at the beginning of the year has not changed.  it’s just amazing how much the media goes out of the way to fellate head coaches.

ten (+12) over DEN, 49.5, titans (+525) broncos (-750)
you know what, i think that this is a good a year as any, because my preseason pick for the super bowl winner looks solid.  it would be nice to go out on a winning note.  of course, i just jinxed it.  congrats seahawks!

ARI (-6) over stl, 41.5, cardinals (-270) rams (+230)
mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

SDO (-3.5) over nyg, 47, chargers (-175) giants (+155) – BIGGGGG BETTTTT
i think that it is weird how this year the giants are terrible, but no one in the new york media seems to care.  this time in years past we were definitely wondering how tom coughlin would support his family around now.

sea (+2.5) over SFO, 41.5, seahawks (+150) niners (-170)
man, niners fans have to be super disappointed about this year.  things looked so good for the future last year.  i remember watching them beat the falcons in the NFC championship game in las vegas.  such an exciting time.  like running back to hotel in the rain with that one redhead and making love all afternoon, it all seems so long ago now…

car (+3) over NO, 46.5, panthers (+150) saints (-170)
fredo texted me this nugget the other day. “worst season ever means the panthers win the super bowl?”  bulletproof logic if you ask me.

dal (-1) over CHI, 48, cowboys (-120) bears (+100)
i’ll be honest, i probably won’t watch this game.

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BTG 2013, Week 13 – Bye Week

Since we missed Thanksgiving, and since I’m enjoying my vacation so much because I haven’t even thought about football (both my fantasy teams are el kaput), why ruin a good thing and let’s just call this a bye week.  Hope everyone had a good holiday.  See you here next week.

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BTG 2013, Week 12 Picks

let me just say that our commenters seem content to leave all the writing to me. home team in caps and numbers from caesars.

tam (+9) over DET, 48.5, bucs (+350) lions (-430)
simmons wrote a column on megatron and some of the numbers he listed are eye popping. and the question that simmons’ asks is one worth considering.  is calvin johnson the greatest receiver in the history of the NFL?  like simmons it’s hard for me to put anyone over jerry rice who i grew up watching.  but i don’t remember anyone dominating the opposition on a regular basis like calvin johnson.  i mean rice was good, but he always seemed to be wide open.  calvin johnson always seems to leaping higher than hapless defenders.  fredo, i’m curious as to your take on this question since you’re niners fan #1 (which is just as weird as you being red sox fan #1).

jax (+10) over HOU, 43.5, jaguars (+400) texans (-500)
calvin johnson is almost enough to make up for games like these.  almost.

min (+4) over GB, 44, vikings (+170) packers (-200)
man i am loving these road dogs.

KC (-4.5) over sdo, it’s totally stupid for a city to be in two states (+220) chargers (+180)
this is one of the four good games on the docket this week.  week 12, and there are only four games really worth watching out of the 13.

car (-4.5) over MIA, 41, panthers (-220) dolphins (+180)
is it me or do transition lenses always seem to look a little bit off.  like they’re always one shade darker than they need to be to look normal.  it’s like the wearer wants people to think that they’re some kind of futuristic cyborg than can adjust for lighting levels without their hands or something.
grant_g_rivera_cr_576

pit (+2) over CLE, 40, steelers (+110) browns (-130)
i wonder if big ben looks at the jameis winston story and thanks the lord that his college career just missed the internet era.

chi (+1) over STL, 46, bears (+100) rams (-120)
seriously, i love road dogs this week.

nyj (+3.5) over BAL, 38.5, jets (+170) ravens (-200)
seriously, i’m taking the jets just on principal (principle?  i always confuse the usages of these words).

OAK (+1) over ten, 41.5, raiders (+100) titans (-120)
if i had gone to high school with him, i would have called him matt mcgroin.

ind (+3) over ARI, 45, colts (+140) cardinals (-140)
for real, somebody stop me.

NYG (-2.5) over dal, 45, giants (-145) cowboys (+125)
phew…thank god i don’t believe in my team at all, that was getting out of control.  also, dallas is 1-4 ATS on the road.

den (-2) over 54.5, broncos (-135) pats (+115)
i’m sure they don’t think about each other except for times like this when the media forces them to reflect on their rivalry, but doesn’t it seem like if tom brady and peyton went to high school together that they would absolutely just hate each other?

sfo (-5) over WAS, 47.5, niners (-220) the filibuster is dead! (+180)
i’m going to a book club on monday night.  i’ve never been to this book club before and the book that we were supposed to read was terrrrrrrible.  so while you’re watching RG3 get destroyed by the niners defense, i want you to think of me at a coffee shop with a bunch of middle aged women telling them they’re stupid for liking dumb books.

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BTG 2013, Week 13 Thursday Game

ATL (+9) over no, 53, falcons (+340) saints (-420)
classic look ahead game for the saints, who will still probably win, but you figure after an ezpz win over the cowboys last week will contribute to them losing focus just a little bit this week.

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BTG 2013 Week 11 Results

BTG2013Week11

there were three pushes this week.  it’s starting to get to that time of year where vegas is pretty much unbeatable.  unless you’re a genius like me and go 10-3 and win over 1000 bob bucks in the last two weeks.  technically erik is still in the lead, but we all remember how he cheated last week so Fredo and I are actually tied for first place. with eric and helene only a game behind.  meanwhile erik is lance armstrongin’ it in first place there.

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BTG 2013, Week 11 Picks

i got a big bag of nothing this week.  home team in caps and numbers from caesars.

TAM (pk) over atl, 43.5, buccaneers (-110) falcons (-110)
BREAK UP THE BUCS!

BUF (+1) over nyj, 40, thurman thomas (+100) jets (-120)
goddammit.

det (-2.5) over PIT, 45.5, lions (-135) steelers (+115)
warning – the next joke is extremely inside sociology.  i call this the bruno latour bowl.  a battle between two cities that got left behind by modernity.  but then again, maybe we were never modern.

PHI (-4.5) over was, 53, eagles (-220) jay schroeder (+180)
i’m pretty sure nick foles success is mostly due to chip kelly’s system working well against crappy defenses.  lucky for the eagles, washington’s defense is crappy.

sdo (-1.5) over MIA, 45.5, chargers (-125) dolphins (+180)
maybe one day i’ll write that thing on how the warrior culture of sports is directly tied to military culture and the normalization of absolute authority of white heterosexual males. but don’t hold your breath.

CHI (-3) over bal, 43, bears (-165) ravens (+145)
at what point do we talk about what a huge mistake it was to commit that much money to flacco?  eh, i guess to be fair, it’s not his fault that ray rice decided he no longer wanted to be a good football player.

CIN (-5.5) over cle, 41, bengals (-250) browns (+210)
i just found out that one of andy dalton’s nicknames among bengals fan is the red rocket. how awesome is it to have a nickname that in common parlance refers to the penis of a dog in heat?  pretty awesome if you ask me.

oak (+9) over HOU, 41, raiders (+340) texans (-420)
sweet jesus how is anyone supposed to handicap this horse shit game?  some guy named matthew mcgloin is starting for the raiders apparently.  maybe he’s a leprechaun?  oh hey, i just found out he went to penn state.  so he’s just a child molestation enabler.

ari (-8.5) over JAX, 40, cardinals (-370) jaguars (+310)
BREAK UP THE JAGS!

SEA (-12.5) over min, 45.5, seahawks (-750) vikings (+525)
goddammit.

NO (-3) over sfo, 49.5, saints (-170) niners (+150)
i’d take the niners if this was in candlestick.

NYG (-4) over gb, 41.5, giants (-230) packers (+190)
what kind of crap league is this when the giants after a horrendous start still actually have a realistic chance of winning the division.  also this games features yet another bonus really obscure backup qb – starting for the pack – scott tolzien!

DEN (-7.5) over kc, 49.5, broncos (-380) oklahoma joe’s bbq (+300) – BIGG BETT
i would seriously not put it past peyton to have faked this whole injury thing just to lull KC into a false sense of security.  ah what the hell – i just made this my big bet

ne (+3) over CAR, 46, pats (+125) panthers (-145)
just seems like the kind of game where the next day everyone is writing columns about how tom brady isn’t done yet or some lame shit like that.

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BTG 2013, Week 11 Thursday Game

ind (-3) over TEN, 42.5, colts (-140) titans (+120)
i guess if you think about it, i should be glad that the thursday game is always shitty since not having to watch the game gives me more time to bang  hot chicks.  or something like that.

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BTG 2013, Week 10 Results

BTG2013Week10Am I really supposed to believe that Erik turns in his picks at 1PM and goes 7-2 in the morning games?  I’m going to allow it, only because I want Erik to live with the shame of ill-gotten wins.  I mean – seriously, no matter what happens this year, asterisk next to Erik’s name for all eternity.

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BTG 2013, Week 10 Picks

i have to mail in the picks this week.  i’ll try to make it up to you with an soc of sports essay about what is going on with the richie incognito thing. in case, i don’t ever write it, basically, the function of american football is to turn us into military worshiping fascists. happy veterans’ day! home team in caps, numbers from caesars.

TEN (-13) over jax, 41, titans (-800) jaguars (+550)

GB (+1) over phi, 47, packers (-105) eagles (-115)

PIT (-3) over buf, 43.5, steelers (-155) jame gumm (+135)

NYG (-7) over oak, 43.5, giants (-330) raiders (+270)

stl (+9.5) over IND, 44, rams (+350) colts (-550)

sea (-4) over ATL, 45, seahawks (-200) falcons (+170) 

BAL (+1.5) over cin, 44, ravens (+100) bengals (-120)

det (+1) over CHI, 52.5, lions (+100) bears (-120)

SFO (-6) over car, 43.5, niners (-270) panthers (+230)

hou (+3) over ARI, 41.5, texans (+135) cards (-155)

SDO (+7) over den, 58, chargers (+270) broncos (-320)

NO (-6.5) over dal, 54, saints (-280) cowboys (+250) BIGG BETT

mia (-2.5) over TAM, 41, dolphins (-135) bucs (+115)

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